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Luke 6:32-35

I don't recall every hearing/reading these verses before, but I honestly feel they were written with me in mind. These verses address what I would probably consider as my largest dead branch; one that negatively affects my ability to bear healthy fruit. With the combination of being a fairly logical thinker and how I was raised, I have always been a person who believes that you get out what you put in - and that goes for everyone. I guess this could almost be considered a tit for tat philosophy. I was talking to Loran about this scripture yesterday and I told her how it applies to me so much. She then asked how. To clarify, she asked if I only do something to get something out of it. No way I replied! That sounds so selfish - and I truly don't believe that I am like that. Because that takes consciousness and a sense of pre-meditation, knowing that you will get something in return for your "works". My case is different, because I only begin to see what value is in things for me when I feel like I haven't received equal treatment, or gotten back what I've put in. And then Mr. PRIDE gets involved, along with his friend Mr. Logical. So now I have a problem on my hands, because I have gone from doing things for others out of love, passion and friendship to now becoming one who's basis is... justice! But as the verse says, it is easy to love those who love you - for even a sinner loves those who love him. Beautiful - I don't think I could write that in a more comprehensive and understandable way if I tried for a 100 years. God of creation, this is the cry of my heart. Please inscribe this message of true love on my heart. Let your love rush through my veins like a wild river. I pray that everyday for the rest of my life may I meditate on this scripture Lord - this is my discipline that must be done to bring Glory to your name, and I can't express the joy I have to begin to change. Mold me God. If you have read this, I need prayer. Please encourage me and help me to be a strong healthy tree, one who bears good fruit!

Luke 6:32-35
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return.

poem.

The first God I remember was a Santa Claus God,
who you only turn to around
Christmas time, who you tried to butter up,
and you got mad at if you didn't get what you wanted.

That didn't make sense.

I knew if there was a God, he could see through us,
like we were made out of cellophane, like he could stare directly into our hearts,
the way we look into an aquarium,
like he'd know what was floating around in there,
like he were the one feeding it.

Then there were those people who used god to threaten you,
saying "you'd better be careful- God's watching,"
like God was some badass hillbilly sitting on some cloud,
with some binoculars, a cotton candy beard and a shotgun.

Then there were those people who had God's name on a bumper sticker,
like he was running for president.
And sometimes those people would cut you off on the freeway and give you the finger,
which is very different than lending a hand.

Then there were people on television,
dressed in weird clothes and scary make-up,
SWEARING that they had the secret to God,
like god was a keyhole their eye was pressed to it,
and if I gave him some money they'd let me look,
and I could see God just hangin' around in his boxers,
and though I liked the idea of spying on God,
I began to wonder if the world would be a better place if the Romans had just put up
with Jesus and let him die of old age...

And then there were the football players,
kneeling down in front of everybody, thanking God,
like he was their best friend,
but then they'd jump up and spike the ball yelling, "I'm number ONE!!",
and that confused me,
for if you're number one,
then what number is God??

Then I saw politicians trotting God out on a leash,
like a racehorse they wanted to hop on and ride to the finish-line.
But if they lost, it would be GOD's fault,
and God would be the donkey they'd pin their problems on,
and that was very nice of God,
to be both a racehorse
and a donkey.

And then there were those who said,
"You'd better be good on earth, if you wanna get into heaven,"
Like heaven was the United States, and the Earth was Mexico,
and angels were the Border Patrol.
Like when you die,
you sit in a parked car on the outskirts of Heaven, the engine idling,
your soul in the back-seat in one of those kennels used to carry small dogs on an airplane,
as you listen to the radio,
hearing the voices of all the people you ever wronged testify against you.

And then there's the church which was like this cafeteria,
where they serve God to you on these very un-Godlike plates,
but I wanted my God PURE, not watered down by humans.
So I had one of those catastrophe gods- you know, the one you called in an emergency,
like God was the National Guard you call on to clean up the earthquake of your life.

So I got drunk one night,
drove home, passed out behind the wheel,
and woke up, going 60mph straight at a brick wall.
I slammed on the brakes, my heart banging like a wrecking-ball in my chest,
staring at death's face,
close enough to see that we had the same cheek-bones.

Now I have a God who's like a mechanic who can fix anything.
So, when I wanna chew somebody's head off like a salt-water taffy,
or amputate my DNA, or open my wrists like windows that have been painted shut,
I just put my soul into a box, like a busted computer, and haul it in.
And He never asks to see my paperwork,
or says that my warrenty has expired.
And I walk out feeling better.

And I don't care if He doesn't exist.

-Jeffrey McDaniel

truth

Again, I'm writing this blog with no title, when I'm finished I will make one. I'm sitting on our patio enjoying a beautiful God-given evening. I'm listening to Brother Ali right now and I'm quickly discovering that although he believes in Islam, his music is some of the most spiritually encouraging music to me - and that in it's self is the essence of God. I would love to describe the setting that I'm a part of right now; I see clouds slowly drifting in a beautiful sky, the sun is slowly setting and spreading an orange and purple haze against the blue - reaching over our balcony is an oxygen giving tree, the temperate is a perfect 72˚ and I have a delightful glass of Argentinian Merlot! (don't worry, still $3/bottle). As I said before, I'm listening to Brother Ali - and if you don't appreciate hip hop, hopefully you could at least appreciate beautiful and relevant poetry. At the end of this post I am going to include a link to one of my favorite songs of his, "Begin Here" - did I mention that he has a new album coming out on tuesday, I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get in the next couple of days waiting for it. I haven't posted in a very long time, and that bothers me. I don't think that there's a week that goes by that I don't feel that I'm lacking and have missed-out on the opportunity to blog. God has both blessed me and given me challenges these last few months. I can't quite describe in words the change that I've noticed in my life; my marriage, my friendships and quite frankly - all of my relationships - supernatural or not. It's scary as hell but it also shows me that God is alive and very real - judge not less he be judged. I want to take a moment of prayer right now: gracious God, creator of everything, thank you for giving me a heart that both beats and that feels - Lord, thank you for truth, thank you for love, and thank you for salvation - Amen. I don't know which denomination I belong to, I don't even know if what I believe is necessarily "christian", I do know that God is alive in me and that God is love and truth. Sometimes truth is hard to swallow - sometimes it hurts to accept truth, but God has blessed us with responsibility. I know that sounds like a chore, but if we meditate on that, we can realize that it only accentuates our purpose! I know that this might seem a bit random, but I really hope that my thoughts don't get lost. The sun has now fallen and the absence of light is present. But, beauty is also still present. I apologize for my offenses and my pride - I know that my words and actions are daggers to those I care about. Creator of all, I accept your forgiveness for my earthly sins - my pride, my always present selfishness and my ignorance. God, use us as lights, transform the darkness in this world to light and let the truth be revealed in everything. I sin. I struggle daily. If I don' accept that, I am not allowing truth to be revealed - I am not allowing God... That doesn't mean that I should continue life sinning and ignorantly being - but I am a finger-print of God, we all are. We cannot reach the Creator if we don't accept our faults, deliberate or not. I want to live, even though we are fallen men here on earth, that just exposes more truth and that we have a purpose - and that purpose is not ourselves. As always I don't have the answers, but I know what I don't want to be - I am reminded that by my actions daily. Please encourage and pray for me, I desperately need it, we all do. I want to end this with a prayer: God, I'm scared - please guide me with wisdom and love, as I mature and age, I begin to realize and think things that I don't knowhow to handle - don't abandon me - take me by the hand and take from me what you must to bring Glory to you.

peace.
http://files.me.com/kinley/amxf09.mp3

God is alive, can you feel him?

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I talked with God. I was in the sauna late night at the gym we go to, sitting alone in a dim room that smelled of pine. My body glistening from the heat, I enjoy sweating out the toxins in my body. There's an interesting parallel and metaphor that I feel about my body sweating and the dark that is within me. This winter I would use this time in the sauna for prayer when I would go to the gym. It felt good to be back in this routine, and it felt good to give all my attention to God. I've never been one to have stories about God "speaking" to me or one to have "visions". I'm also one who uses great discretion crediting God when "coincidences" happen. I feel like we try to control what and how God communicates with us. There's a grey area between what is our own psychological jargon and what is from the Holiest of Holies. With that being said, I have had several coincidences happen lately that make me feel deep in my bones, that God is alive in me! The feeling that I have is true love, I know this because my works and deeds have played no role in this. Tonight I gave blood for the first time in my life. I am an extremely sqweemish person and I can't stand my own pulse, getting my blood pressure taken, needles, etc. My friends at work have been encouraging me to give blood for quite sometime. I wasn't planning on doing it, then at 4:30pm I decided at the last minute just to do it. First let me just say that I think our DNA is incredible and it is just another example of God's perfection. The fact that DNA is so complex, every life depends on it and that we are able to give transfusions to eachother, I'm speechless. Let me also say that I am not the new spokes person for this, because it was not a comfortable experience for me, and it won't be easy the next time I do it as everyone promised me. But that's good, let me be put outside of my comfort zone for the benefit of others. Right before the nurse inserted the needle (deep breath...), she asked me if I am a praying person, with which I replied "Yes I am." She said good, feel free to pray right now, I just prayed for you. [Woooooooshhh...] This warm, calming feeling fell over me. Thank you I told her, you saying that makes me feel more calm. She then asked if I was a Christian. I said yes but then told her I don't really like that term and I don't really feel that it correctly defines my faith. She then said something that I have randomly experienced other times in my life. She told me she could tell the second that I walked in the door that I was (a christian). I didn't quite know how to respond, but I've been thinking about it all evening and I am so happy that God has responded to my prayer. Last night I asked that if I serve but only one purpose my entire life, I pray that God use me as a vehicle and that he make himself known in me. I prayed that when I talk, my words stay deep in my throat and that his words are at the front of my lips. I asked God to use me for His glory! I believe that darkness is the absence of light and that God somehow uses me, us, his creation to be lightness in the dark, whether we're aware of it or not. In everywhere we look, in everyone we meet, in every blade of grass - Allah, Allah, Allah! God is present my friends, let us embrace him and and faithfully pray that he use us to be the light in this very dark world. Oh by the way, how amazing is it that God used the nurse tonight to be light and communicate to me... I also found out that she goes to the Lien's church, Substance.

(I was listening to Mayday parade until it quit half way through this post)

people

We have been staying busy lately, between weird house parties, shows, friends, disc golf, bike rides and the other thing, oh yeah - work! I have posted in a while, I'm not sure what to write about or title this post, so I will just give it a title when I'm done. Well, the weekend before last I went to "Portugal. The Man" at the 7th St. entry with Kyle and his friends. The show was cheap and that venue is pretty small and intimate, the band sounded really good as well. The work week was really busy for me so it went fast. We usually play in our volleyball league on Thursdays, but Halloween, Alaska was performing for free at the electric fetus and Summit was giving away free beers. We decided at the last minute to go to the show, and I'm really glad that we did because it was well worth it, and we got to hang out with Brett. I told Loran today that I am starting to believe that one of the main purposes of life is to meet and interact with people. The more I ponder it the more I realize experiences in my personal life that intensify this feeling. One night after disc golf league Jake and I were at Tracy's hanging out, and he said something that stuck with me. I was talking to him about my patience and about frustrations with people, events in my life, etc. He asked me if I think that God ever puts these things in my life to help me develop patience and compassion. Well, I've been thinking about that after every interaction I have with someone, or every situation that I find myself in. I have began to learn a lot, like that I actually do choose how I act and react to people and things, and that God is using these experiences to bring me back to being the man that he created me to be [in His image]. This weekend has been really busy, we've been hanging out with the Ladd's and have been outside a lot. I'm going to finish this here, but it's great to realize the foundational "blocks" of your faith, and although I don't know all of them, I do feel that I've discovered one of them, and that is relationships and people, on all levels.

(I'm listening to Emery's new album, In Shallow Seas We Sail)



Portugal. The Man at 7th St. entry.



Halloween, Alaska at the Electric Fetus.

Encourage the elements of God, Rather than the jars that contain them.

Condemned,
My regret is not writing more for you, Lord.
As this ocean comes to be deeper our vessel becomes less stable,
Look to the sky.
Encourage the elements of God,
Rather than the jars that contain them.
If only the ingredients of man were of such elements.
If only.
With great horror, I admit that we all live off the lust and misfortune of others.
All live off the lust and misfortune of others,
This is vision, not contradiction.
I see greed in the face of a priest,
And deterioration in the walls of cathedrals.
What was right, now wrong,
Casts a cold reflection on glory,
Look to the sky.

Selfishness as a disease Pt. 1

I'm not sure how many parts this 'series' of postings will have, I have no expectations or goals aside from expressing my personal opinions, battles and desires. I think that selfishness has always been a struggle for me personally. I wasn't consciously aware of it at the time, but when I think about it now, I can see how it even stemmed from my childhood, because I feel like the friends I got- along best with were always more passive then me, so we tended to not butt-heads, and I would lead and probably get my way, not to say that that is necessarily selfish. I think a lot of it is due to my personality of being somewhat of an extrovert and strongly opinionated. I've especially noticed that I've become much more aware of this in the last few years, which is good, in my opinion. Obviously, maturing and experiencing more in life has helped point it out, but lately it has been something that I think about daily, even several times a day. But, one of the biggest problems that I have is that I don't always think about myself. A lot of times, I think about other people, things and situations but with selfish motives and expectations. And then, I allow myself to mask these selfish motives by believing that I'm being selfless, when in reality I couldn't be being any more self-centered and selfish. In a way, it's like a viscous cycle, because I can't control it, which I think is what I'm supposed to learn through this experience and these feelings. Because, the second that I think I can control it, I feel proud about myself and then "I" become the center of my thoughts and agendas again, thus the disease. I imagine a rust-like disease that eats away and governs over my heart, soul and mind. It is destructive, a constant battle to protect against and very hard to fix once the decaying process has started. Currently my selfishness has taken the form of doing things for people that make me feel satisfied, accomplished and entitled. I've noticed that I can have tendencies to do this in every relationship that I have; marriage, friendships, peers, family, etc. My mind and body are strained from dealing with this and not having a resolution, although I do have it, that's just another part of the disease. It is absurdly clear that I need to stop making myself a god, but rather put all of my life and energy into another being. In the new as cities burn album there's a song called "Made Too Pretty," which is my favorite song on the album, in this song he sings about how ludicrous it is how we act like God was created after we saw our own faces, as if we were gods enough. This song has been weighing on my heart, ever since the album came out. Aside from myself, my ideal choice to fully give myself to, which is not correct in any way and shows how deep my selfishness is, would be my wife or my best friends. But unfortunately, something else that I have to constantly remind myself of, is that they, like me, are earthly beings and we will betray and let eachother down. I need to forfeit my selfish ways and turn them into something positive, something glorifying! Being a person who believes in Jesus Christ as the living, breathing Messiah and the Godhead three in one, I find value-in, and have a strong desire to divert my negative selfishness into love and positive energy towards my God. By doing this, and faithfully believing in it, I feel like God will teach me and compassionately guide me to be a more humble and selfless person. So, does anyone have the answer of how to depend on God? For Him to give me the ability, enthusiasm and strength to conquer my selfish soul? Does such an answer exist? Anybody? Maybe it's not going to be as easy as just "giving it my all" or "the ole' 100%," huh? I'm listening to Four Tet right now, which is really nice to listen to while I'm writing since all of the songs are instrumental. Many of them have a very soothing and therapeutic sound to them, my friend Brett introduced me to them. That's all for now, thanks.


My heart, my soul? which is it?

music, nature and relationships

These are all things that have been consuming my life lately. Two of my favorite bands, As Cities Burn and Manchester Orchestra came out with new albums last week, both are fantastic in my opinion. I have been playing a lot of disc golf and biking quite a bit so far this spring, which have both been very enjoyable and they make me feel productive and alive, maybe it's because they are both activities that are hard to become monotonous. Relationships have been really involving lately, mostly good. I have been telling myself for days now that I need to post about some of the things that I've been thinking about, but now it's 12:15AM and I am tired, so this is just a preface to what I want to write about. Jake, Zach, Mark and myself are taking a little disc golf road-trip this weekend, hopefully I'll have time to write/blog while we are 'traveling.' I'd like to finish this posting before we leave, hopefully tomorrow evening. (I've heard that one before)

I am listening to Emery's newest EP, "While Broken Hearts Prevail".

Easter weekend

Well, I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. This weekend was very eventful and high-stress, but also fun. Friday morning we picked up our car from the shop where we got the bumper replaced (someone backed into my car in my work's parking lot) and then we packed it full and headed for I90/I94. A medium coffee, a small chai tea, a new halloween alaska album and a 2 hour nap later (just Loran for the nap) and we were near Rockford, IL. I snarfed down some of my favorite fast food at Beef-A-Roo (if you haven't experienced Beef-A-Roo yet, please add it to your list, I think it's IL only). Loran's mom met us and picked up Loran, I then headed to Chi-town where I saw a sold out show with The Devil Wears Prada, A day to remember, Sky Eats Airplane and Emarosa. The bands were great, the sound was good, the teenagers were annoying and the heat was terrible, not to mention they wouldn't let you leave the venue to go get some of that windy city fresh air, which annoyed me. I wasn't in the mood to make friends or generate conversation with people, which is a bit odd for me... I assume the long, high stress drive made me a bit crabby/low energy and reserved. I forgot to mention that I made it to the show with 3 minutes to spare, and dealing with down town chicago traffic and parking, etc... it was not worth the stress. So the show was good, I left and stayed at my cousins, (if you read my new disc golf blog, a lot of this is a repeat, sorry). I made it to the Davis' farm and we went to a few family-friend events. This morning we went to church and celebrated that Christ is Risen! (He is Risen indeed). I feel like that is something that you must say if you believe in Christ, just like we ask how's it going to someone who we don't really care about the answer from. I just feel like some terms, prayers and scriptures we have become immune to and we just follow the leader and do what we're used to. He is Risen, what does that exactly mean? That a God that we cannot see, that does not only reside in a fleshly body came back to life in earthly form after he was/was not killed? I don't mean for this to come across as blasphemous or in vain, I just mean that we throw these terms around like we have our heads wrapped around them and that we understand so clearly... we don't! Just like the people in the book of Luke had no idea that they were talking to Jesus on the side of the road about how sad and depressed they were about the death of Jesus from Nazareth. We are/would be just as uncertain, I just dislike how comfortable we are with the stories... and I'm sure this follows right across the lines of me constantly questioning God and my faith, but I am getting too old to keep doing this strictly out of tradition or popular vote, I need a reason. Back to my point of keeping this short, as we were sitting in church hearing the pastor translate his version of the scripture in Luke 24 (1-50 I believe?) my beautiful bride who was rubbing my back (because she knows that physical touch is one of my strongest love languages) leaned over to me and said something that excited me and turned me on (not sexually) soo much, she said " If seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes". This is a lyric to one of my favorite bands, Manchester Orchestra, which Loran has only listened to because I play them or because the CD has been stuck in our Jetta's CD player - either way, props to her. It was so encouraging, and I'm pretty sure I mumbled to her, now that's a real worship song. The scripture that she was relating that lyric to was about the women who went to the empty tomb and couldn't find Jesus' body, so they went back to the men to try to describe what they had seen and they didn't believe (luk 24: 1-8?). It was a perfect harmony of several things that I love, and I had an "I fricken love this girl to death" moment right after she said that to me. Thank you God, for your gifts are abundant. Thank you for being resurrected in a way that forced us as people to have faith and believe in the unseen... God your geniusness and compassion for our souls and minds never tires - thank you, Amen. We finished the afternoon at Loran's grandparents, and then we headed home. Half way home we realized that Loran's purse, wallet and keys were missing, and that Aunt Tanya (my coworker and neighbor) had our only key to our place (our apartment just switched our locks to electronic and we only got two key fabs). So we had to track down our key before we could get home to the kitties. We are home now, and my beautiful wife is shleepin' next to me, and I would like to shpoon her... so, I guess this "short" blog will stop here. Thanks for listening. (I was listening to new ACB on their myspace while I was writing this, but it quit and I forgot to restart them - new song tomorrow/today!)

Spring is here, let us rejoice!

Well, it has been a very long time since I have posted anything on here. Which sucks, because part of the reason why I wanted to have a blog was so I could express myself through writing, but, just like everything in my life, I drop it for a while and get lazy - I HATE it, it's like a disease. That is something that I would really like to start working hard at, sticking with things and not being so lazy in certain aspects of my life. So, Spring is here! I have bought a new wheel set and some other parts for my road bike and just put it all together this weekend, I can't wait to ride my bike, I am going to ride a lot this season, and that's a promise. I'm really excited to get a group of us together and go for a late night bike ride, that was fun last summer/fall. I am also very excited for disc golf, I played today, and although I didn't do well at all (+5 at Rosland) I still had such a great time being outside, breathing in the brisk air and talking with Zach. I really want this Spring to be a time in my life of growth, I want to bear fruit like the trees, who have been patiently waiting for winter to leave and for the warm spring air and beautiful sun to rescue them, re-energizing them! I have such a strong feeling in my heart, something is brewing, and I feel like I know what it is, and that it is God communicating with me. I also feel like I have a desire to be ignorant about it and continue on with life at the current pace, which, is not how I want to live nor is it how we were designed to live. Rejuvinate me, my God. When I turn my back, let the bright sun and the greens of this earth encourage me and direct me back to you! I know you will never desert me, but please God, guide and encourage me. I feel like the older I get, the more uncertain I become about my beliefs, the purpose of life and the person that God made me. I know I've talked about this a bit with Jake, and I think this change can be a great thing, a way in which we mature and learn from our experiences - but, I also think, it can be a bad thing. Now that we are adults, starting our own families and making all the decisions, we don't just accept things as easily as we used to, which can be dangerous. For me, it definitely opens a window for darkness to seep in. But it also excites me to know that I am not just agreeing with something because my parents or church told me, etc. (which I was never conscious that I did growing up, but it was also healthy and natural to take comfort in their beliefs, which then became mine, then). Sometimes when I start to think about how my views have/are/will be changing, I start to feel really ... alone. I begin to think if anyone has the same views as me, if my views are very wrong, if they are hurtful to my God, etc. I begin to over analize it, and then I'm afraid that, maybe the reason that Loran agrees with so many of my thoughts/beliefs/revelations is because... I've brain washed her? Maybe I have influenced her against her personal beliefs without either of us being aware of it. I do know, that whenever I feel alone, or that I am unsure where I stand with certain topics, etc, I can always take comfort in knowing that God knows my heart, and my intentions behind my beliefs, whether they are correct and uplift Him or wrong and hurt Him - and just the fact that I am NOT doing this 'behind his back', the fact that he is all knowing, gives me peace. Thank you God for loving me and making me your child, one who questions everything from his own faith and purpose to who you really are and why you let people suffer so much. Let this spring be a time of refreshed, positive energy. Growth! Let the dead branches fall off and be gone with the winter, and let God's creations flurish.

Why does this make me feel so good?

Right now I'm listening to City and Colour on shuffle, the current song playing is "Hello, I'm in Delware" - feel free to listen to it while you read. Tonight, I went to the Anberlin show at first ave with my sister's fiance, and my future brother-in-law Joe. I haven't been listening to Anberlin for to long, maybe two months at most. There were three opening bands at the show, Between the Trees was pretty good (http://www.myspace.com/betweenthetrees) but the other two were not anything special in my opinion, Camera Can't Lie and Madina Lake (terrible). I wish I knew Anberlin's music a bit better because shows are soo much more than simply just entertainment when I am familiar with the music, lyrics, artists, etc. I know, what a monumental thought, you enjoy a show better when you know the songs. Anyway, Anberlin was really good - I could sense their heart and passion, just in watching them, it almost seemed contagious. It was also a great opportunity to get closer with Joe and enjoy a new castle after a long day at work. It's really interesting to talk about a person, in this instance my sister, when you are able to hear someone else's opinion of that person, which is totally different than your own opinion (that sounds like a negative thing, but it's not.) It helps you to realize that even us, as people, have different 'value' and purpose in life depending on who we are closest with. I'm really thankful that my sister has met a man like Joe and that she has decided to let him marry her. (that's my attempt at joking about being a protective brother) Believe it or not, this was the first show that I've ever gone to at first ave. Joe and I enjoyed the show from the 21+ balcony, after the show on our way out we made a stop in the men's room. As I was urinating in the troff, I looked up and saw the following (see image) written on the checkered wall tiles, right in front of my face. Jesus Hates Christians! My instant reaction was joy, pleasure and a sense of belonging. I took a picture of the writing and proceeded to exit the venue. The whole time I was walking down the stairs and through the streets of downtown Mpls to were my car was parked, I was thinking about this "message." I was talking with Joe, but at 3/4 capacity because I couldn't shake this message from my little mind. I got home and instantly, and proudly showed my wife the picture I took - "Isn't this awsome?" I asked. She than instantly made the connection to Rob Bell's book that I'm currently reading, Jesus Wants To Save Christians. And then it began, the realization of this weird, opposing parallel of this graffiti message and the title/purpose of the book I'm reading, which my friend Jake lent me. (thanks buddy) Then my brain got caught on the word hate. And then I focused on the word save. Because the title of the book and the message are the same accept for these two, four letter words. HATE vs. SAVE - Hmmm... Hate and Save, I've been here before. This is basically the story of my life, the constant struggle of aversive and sanctified feelings. These two words are polar opposites, like good and evil, God and the absence of God, light and darkness, and so one. In this one stage/ portion of my life, I have personally been shown, by powers beyond my own, the greatest truths known. And how coincidental, this is all happening at the exact time that I have been seeking truth for my heart and soul. I would love to hear what your initial reaction is when seeing this photo. I could also talk about this for hours, and probably do what I've been told my whole life that I do, which is talk circles around the subject or as some like to put it, beat a dead horse. (yes, I'm talking about you Loran) Whatever the meaning of this bathroom message or Rob Bell's book, I just want to take this time to thank my God for having someone write that message on the bathroom at first ave. I believe that everything is truth, good or bad - because what might be bad to a club-owner may be good to random patron, but it's still truth, regardless of who you are. Maybe I'll post another blog discussing this and hopefully dig deeper into the terms HATE and SAVE.
Peace.

Life is about the journey, not the destination. Ever think of that?

I just got Now, Now Every Children's new album "Cars" from my friend Kyle that I work with. This album is so refreshing! Let me know if you want it, and I'll send it your direction, otherwise you should definitely check them out. They are a duo from Minneapolis, and yes, I want to see their next show whenever it is... I'll look into it. Anyway, I'm listening to it right now and drinking an OK glass of Trader Joe's French Market 2006 Merlot (a wopping $5). Well I went back to work this week, which is good, I really enjoy my job and the people I work with, but not working was also nice. I really wish I could just take 2 weeks off, but not have plans, just do whatever. I guess I could do that, but it's hard when you're married and have family events and you have to worry about damn vacation time. Oh well, life is never going to be perfect in my selfish eyes and I think that it's important that I remind myself that. In Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell discusses the term perfect and what that means. Perfect basically means that it's finished, that it's as good as it gets. Life, ourselves and our experiences are never finished (perfect) because they are living, ever-changing things. Here's a feeble example, these are the types of things I think about all the time... let's think about that tire iron in your trunk, (the wrench you use to take your car's wheel of if you have a flat) right now you have no need for that wrench and it's the last thing on your mind. Lets say you are driving tomorrow in 0° MN temperatures, and you get a flat. You need to fix the flat by putting your spare tire on. Now, suddenly, due to alive and changing circumstances, that tire iron becomes one of the most valuable objects in your life at that time. Thinking like this blows my mind, it's even more intense when you think like this about things you need for survival like water, shelter, etc. So, maybe my example doesn't relate to you, but I view my life and experiences in the same way. The value of things, people and beliefs are all relative to my life and what I'm going through. This whole world is so damn far from perfect, and far from being finished. I'm terrible at relating my writings to the titles I give them, so let me try to get back to the topic. I guess it kind of correlates to what I was just rambling about. A lot of my thoughts right now are inspired from Velvet Elvis, this book has been a much needed saviour to me. A lot of the book is self evaluation and less educational. It points out the things that you know, but it makes you think about them with intention, which sometimes is what we need. If I try to have the attitude that life's meaning and truths is in the journey and not the destination, just look at how drastically things would change. I would not view my job as a stepping stone to get to the next place in my career, rather I would value each day as the pinnacle of my career. I would view every interaction with a friend, (or person) as valuable and not take random hang-outs in vain. Living in this way is one of the most dramatice lifestyle changes that I can fathom, becuase it's not simply making a single choice, but it's agreeing to make an infinite amount of choices for the rest of your life in the name of truth (sound familiar). My best friends Jake and Lizzie and their baby (I think they should name it Lydia if it's a girl and Sebastian if it's a boy) recently were in town and now they have left to go back to their current day, social-minority-war that they experience on a Native American reservation in Pine Ridge, SD. Aside from getting spanked by Jake at our last 2 games of chess, I really enjoyed hanging out with them. There's something soothing about hanging out with the Ladd's because I seldom think that they have an agenda or expecations when we're hanging out. It's almost as if they are literally living in the now, and that's all that they are concerned with (which I know isn't exactly true). But it causes people like me, who have a plan or intentions for everything to slow down, lay back a bit and just be concerned with the current time. Anyway, for that, I am thankful, so thanks Ladds. I'm sitting here writing this and I looking around our apartment, I see Rocky, our male cat just sitting and looking around... I wonder what he's thinking? Is he just thinking about his next meal? Is he thinking about how I yelled at him with my angry voice when he jumped up on the computer desk earlier? Just watching him makes me realize how little control I have in life. This seems to be a common occurance lately, that random things help me to realize this. Well, I'm sure most everyone quit reading this when I started talking about our cat, so I will stop here. If you gain anything after reading this, just think that living life for the journey and not the destination is a constant lifestyle choice. Peace.

Amazing because it is.

It is officially 2009, I can't believe it! When I think back, I can't even fathom that it was 2002 when I graduated high school, or that the whole Y2K fiasco was almost a decade ago. The whole concept that time can feel like it's going faster or slower, is bizarre. It's an absolute thing that never changes, yet the majority of us would agree that every year goes by faster than the last, or I should say 'feels' like it does. Don't let me forget to talk about why I titled this blog what it is. Right now, I'm sitting in the lobby of a hotel in Tifton, Georgia. I am riding back to Illinois with my wife, Loran's family and we are having some major car trouble, so we need to go to a mechanic first thing in the morning... Did I mention we still have about 1,000 miles to go, and then we have to drive Loran's cousin Natalie's car back 300 miles to Minneapolis. The plan was to get home Sunday night, but I don't think that is going to happen. This is just another example of how we really don't have the control that we think we have of our lives and this world, it forces us to recognize that there's a bigger picture here. Without getting too deep on that, let me talk about the cruise that we took and what a beautiful thing the ocean is. Once you can get past the 'beyond massive' cruise ship we were on, that is magically floating in the middle of the atlantic, you experience something so astounding, and I really mean that. Several times, maybe even dozens, I was speechless as I looked over the side of the ship into an utterly perfect harmony of blues and greens. As I stare at a perfectly straight horizon line of water 360° around me, I realize that even on this gigantic lump of man-made steel, I am such a tiny spec in all my God has created. And than there's the movement of the water, an energy that dances and plays with the water, yet without the water, it is not existent. And then there's the wind, the clouds, the SUN! Just as I'm writing this, I am realizing that my favorite part of our vacation were these awe-inspiring moments. Throw in fellowship with family, constant eating, visiting Key West and Cozumel, Mexico and singing Dr. Dre and Snoop's "Aint Nuttin' but a G Thang" to Loran's grandparents at the Karoakee bar and you have one great trip! The name of this blog was going to be "Everything is truth, and truth is God" because I read Velvet Elvis and I have soo much to talk about it, but I'm not going to have time in this post so I will save that discussion for tomorrow hopefully and I will give this post a new title. (Unfortunately, I wasn't listening to any music while I wrote this post.)