truth

Again, I'm writing this blog with no title, when I'm finished I will make one. I'm sitting on our patio enjoying a beautiful God-given evening. I'm listening to Brother Ali right now and I'm quickly discovering that although he believes in Islam, his music is some of the most spiritually encouraging music to me - and that in it's self is the essence of God. I would love to describe the setting that I'm a part of right now; I see clouds slowly drifting in a beautiful sky, the sun is slowly setting and spreading an orange and purple haze against the blue - reaching over our balcony is an oxygen giving tree, the temperate is a perfect 72˚ and I have a delightful glass of Argentinian Merlot! (don't worry, still $3/bottle). As I said before, I'm listening to Brother Ali - and if you don't appreciate hip hop, hopefully you could at least appreciate beautiful and relevant poetry. At the end of this post I am going to include a link to one of my favorite songs of his, "Begin Here" - did I mention that he has a new album coming out on tuesday, I'm not sure how much sleep I'm going to get in the next couple of days waiting for it. I haven't posted in a very long time, and that bothers me. I don't think that there's a week that goes by that I don't feel that I'm lacking and have missed-out on the opportunity to blog. God has both blessed me and given me challenges these last few months. I can't quite describe in words the change that I've noticed in my life; my marriage, my friendships and quite frankly - all of my relationships - supernatural or not. It's scary as hell but it also shows me that God is alive and very real - judge not less he be judged. I want to take a moment of prayer right now: gracious God, creator of everything, thank you for giving me a heart that both beats and that feels - Lord, thank you for truth, thank you for love, and thank you for salvation - Amen. I don't know which denomination I belong to, I don't even know if what I believe is necessarily "christian", I do know that God is alive in me and that God is love and truth. Sometimes truth is hard to swallow - sometimes it hurts to accept truth, but God has blessed us with responsibility. I know that sounds like a chore, but if we meditate on that, we can realize that it only accentuates our purpose! I know that this might seem a bit random, but I really hope that my thoughts don't get lost. The sun has now fallen and the absence of light is present. But, beauty is also still present. I apologize for my offenses and my pride - I know that my words and actions are daggers to those I care about. Creator of all, I accept your forgiveness for my earthly sins - my pride, my always present selfishness and my ignorance. God, use us as lights, transform the darkness in this world to light and let the truth be revealed in everything. I sin. I struggle daily. If I don' accept that, I am not allowing truth to be revealed - I am not allowing God... That doesn't mean that I should continue life sinning and ignorantly being - but I am a finger-print of God, we all are. We cannot reach the Creator if we don't accept our faults, deliberate or not. I want to live, even though we are fallen men here on earth, that just exposes more truth and that we have a purpose - and that purpose is not ourselves. As always I don't have the answers, but I know what I don't want to be - I am reminded that by my actions daily. Please encourage and pray for me, I desperately need it, we all do. I want to end this with a prayer: God, I'm scared - please guide me with wisdom and love, as I mature and age, I begin to realize and think things that I don't knowhow to handle - don't abandon me - take me by the hand and take from me what you must to bring Glory to you.

peace.
http://files.me.com/kinley/amxf09.mp3

God is alive, can you feel him?

Last night, for the first time in a long time, I talked with God. I was in the sauna late night at the gym we go to, sitting alone in a dim room that smelled of pine. My body glistening from the heat, I enjoy sweating out the toxins in my body. There's an interesting parallel and metaphor that I feel about my body sweating and the dark that is within me. This winter I would use this time in the sauna for prayer when I would go to the gym. It felt good to be back in this routine, and it felt good to give all my attention to God. I've never been one to have stories about God "speaking" to me or one to have "visions". I'm also one who uses great discretion crediting God when "coincidences" happen. I feel like we try to control what and how God communicates with us. There's a grey area between what is our own psychological jargon and what is from the Holiest of Holies. With that being said, I have had several coincidences happen lately that make me feel deep in my bones, that God is alive in me! The feeling that I have is true love, I know this because my works and deeds have played no role in this. Tonight I gave blood for the first time in my life. I am an extremely sqweemish person and I can't stand my own pulse, getting my blood pressure taken, needles, etc. My friends at work have been encouraging me to give blood for quite sometime. I wasn't planning on doing it, then at 4:30pm I decided at the last minute just to do it. First let me just say that I think our DNA is incredible and it is just another example of God's perfection. The fact that DNA is so complex, every life depends on it and that we are able to give transfusions to eachother, I'm speechless. Let me also say that I am not the new spokes person for this, because it was not a comfortable experience for me, and it won't be easy the next time I do it as everyone promised me. But that's good, let me be put outside of my comfort zone for the benefit of others. Right before the nurse inserted the needle (deep breath...), she asked me if I am a praying person, with which I replied "Yes I am." She said good, feel free to pray right now, I just prayed for you. [Woooooooshhh...] This warm, calming feeling fell over me. Thank you I told her, you saying that makes me feel more calm. She then asked if I was a Christian. I said yes but then told her I don't really like that term and I don't really feel that it correctly defines my faith. She then said something that I have randomly experienced other times in my life. She told me she could tell the second that I walked in the door that I was (a christian). I didn't quite know how to respond, but I've been thinking about it all evening and I am so happy that God has responded to my prayer. Last night I asked that if I serve but only one purpose my entire life, I pray that God use me as a vehicle and that he make himself known in me. I prayed that when I talk, my words stay deep in my throat and that his words are at the front of my lips. I asked God to use me for His glory! I believe that darkness is the absence of light and that God somehow uses me, us, his creation to be lightness in the dark, whether we're aware of it or not. In everywhere we look, in everyone we meet, in every blade of grass - Allah, Allah, Allah! God is present my friends, let us embrace him and and faithfully pray that he use us to be the light in this very dark world. Oh by the way, how amazing is it that God used the nurse tonight to be light and communicate to me... I also found out that she goes to the Lien's church, Substance.

(I was listening to Mayday parade until it quit half way through this post)

people

We have been staying busy lately, between weird house parties, shows, friends, disc golf, bike rides and the other thing, oh yeah - work! I have posted in a while, I'm not sure what to write about or title this post, so I will just give it a title when I'm done. Well, the weekend before last I went to "Portugal. The Man" at the 7th St. entry with Kyle and his friends. The show was cheap and that venue is pretty small and intimate, the band sounded really good as well. The work week was really busy for me so it went fast. We usually play in our volleyball league on Thursdays, but Halloween, Alaska was performing for free at the electric fetus and Summit was giving away free beers. We decided at the last minute to go to the show, and I'm really glad that we did because it was well worth it, and we got to hang out with Brett. I told Loran today that I am starting to believe that one of the main purposes of life is to meet and interact with people. The more I ponder it the more I realize experiences in my personal life that intensify this feeling. One night after disc golf league Jake and I were at Tracy's hanging out, and he said something that stuck with me. I was talking to him about my patience and about frustrations with people, events in my life, etc. He asked me if I think that God ever puts these things in my life to help me develop patience and compassion. Well, I've been thinking about that after every interaction I have with someone, or every situation that I find myself in. I have began to learn a lot, like that I actually do choose how I act and react to people and things, and that God is using these experiences to bring me back to being the man that he created me to be [in His image]. This weekend has been really busy, we've been hanging out with the Ladd's and have been outside a lot. I'm going to finish this here, but it's great to realize the foundational "blocks" of your faith, and although I don't know all of them, I do feel that I've discovered one of them, and that is relationships and people, on all levels.

(I'm listening to Emery's new album, In Shallow Seas We Sail)



Portugal. The Man at 7th St. entry.



Halloween, Alaska at the Electric Fetus.

Encourage the elements of God, Rather than the jars that contain them.

Condemned,
My regret is not writing more for you, Lord.
As this ocean comes to be deeper our vessel becomes less stable,
Look to the sky.
Encourage the elements of God,
Rather than the jars that contain them.
If only the ingredients of man were of such elements.
If only.
With great horror, I admit that we all live off the lust and misfortune of others.
All live off the lust and misfortune of others,
This is vision, not contradiction.
I see greed in the face of a priest,
And deterioration in the walls of cathedrals.
What was right, now wrong,
Casts a cold reflection on glory,
Look to the sky.

Selfishness as a disease Pt. 1

I'm not sure how many parts this 'series' of postings will have, I have no expectations or goals aside from expressing my personal opinions, battles and desires. I think that selfishness has always been a struggle for me personally. I wasn't consciously aware of it at the time, but when I think about it now, I can see how it even stemmed from my childhood, because I feel like the friends I got- along best with were always more passive then me, so we tended to not butt-heads, and I would lead and probably get my way, not to say that that is necessarily selfish. I think a lot of it is due to my personality of being somewhat of an extrovert and strongly opinionated. I've especially noticed that I've become much more aware of this in the last few years, which is good, in my opinion. Obviously, maturing and experiencing more in life has helped point it out, but lately it has been something that I think about daily, even several times a day. But, one of the biggest problems that I have is that I don't always think about myself. A lot of times, I think about other people, things and situations but with selfish motives and expectations. And then, I allow myself to mask these selfish motives by believing that I'm being selfless, when in reality I couldn't be being any more self-centered and selfish. In a way, it's like a viscous cycle, because I can't control it, which I think is what I'm supposed to learn through this experience and these feelings. Because, the second that I think I can control it, I feel proud about myself and then "I" become the center of my thoughts and agendas again, thus the disease. I imagine a rust-like disease that eats away and governs over my heart, soul and mind. It is destructive, a constant battle to protect against and very hard to fix once the decaying process has started. Currently my selfishness has taken the form of doing things for people that make me feel satisfied, accomplished and entitled. I've noticed that I can have tendencies to do this in every relationship that I have; marriage, friendships, peers, family, etc. My mind and body are strained from dealing with this and not having a resolution, although I do have it, that's just another part of the disease. It is absurdly clear that I need to stop making myself a god, but rather put all of my life and energy into another being. In the new as cities burn album there's a song called "Made Too Pretty," which is my favorite song on the album, in this song he sings about how ludicrous it is how we act like God was created after we saw our own faces, as if we were gods enough. This song has been weighing on my heart, ever since the album came out. Aside from myself, my ideal choice to fully give myself to, which is not correct in any way and shows how deep my selfishness is, would be my wife or my best friends. But unfortunately, something else that I have to constantly remind myself of, is that they, like me, are earthly beings and we will betray and let eachother down. I need to forfeit my selfish ways and turn them into something positive, something glorifying! Being a person who believes in Jesus Christ as the living, breathing Messiah and the Godhead three in one, I find value-in, and have a strong desire to divert my negative selfishness into love and positive energy towards my God. By doing this, and faithfully believing in it, I feel like God will teach me and compassionately guide me to be a more humble and selfless person. So, does anyone have the answer of how to depend on God? For Him to give me the ability, enthusiasm and strength to conquer my selfish soul? Does such an answer exist? Anybody? Maybe it's not going to be as easy as just "giving it my all" or "the ole' 100%," huh? I'm listening to Four Tet right now, which is really nice to listen to while I'm writing since all of the songs are instrumental. Many of them have a very soothing and therapeutic sound to them, my friend Brett introduced me to them. That's all for now, thanks.


My heart, my soul? which is it?

music, nature and relationships

These are all things that have been consuming my life lately. Two of my favorite bands, As Cities Burn and Manchester Orchestra came out with new albums last week, both are fantastic in my opinion. I have been playing a lot of disc golf and biking quite a bit so far this spring, which have both been very enjoyable and they make me feel productive and alive, maybe it's because they are both activities that are hard to become monotonous. Relationships have been really involving lately, mostly good. I have been telling myself for days now that I need to post about some of the things that I've been thinking about, but now it's 12:15AM and I am tired, so this is just a preface to what I want to write about. Jake, Zach, Mark and myself are taking a little disc golf road-trip this weekend, hopefully I'll have time to write/blog while we are 'traveling.' I'd like to finish this posting before we leave, hopefully tomorrow evening. (I've heard that one before)

I am listening to Emery's newest EP, "While Broken Hearts Prevail".

Easter weekend

Well, I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. This weekend was very eventful and high-stress, but also fun. Friday morning we picked up our car from the shop where we got the bumper replaced (someone backed into my car in my work's parking lot) and then we packed it full and headed for I90/I94. A medium coffee, a small chai tea, a new halloween alaska album and a 2 hour nap later (just Loran for the nap) and we were near Rockford, IL. I snarfed down some of my favorite fast food at Beef-A-Roo (if you haven't experienced Beef-A-Roo yet, please add it to your list, I think it's IL only). Loran's mom met us and picked up Loran, I then headed to Chi-town where I saw a sold out show with The Devil Wears Prada, A day to remember, Sky Eats Airplane and Emarosa. The bands were great, the sound was good, the teenagers were annoying and the heat was terrible, not to mention they wouldn't let you leave the venue to go get some of that windy city fresh air, which annoyed me. I wasn't in the mood to make friends or generate conversation with people, which is a bit odd for me... I assume the long, high stress drive made me a bit crabby/low energy and reserved. I forgot to mention that I made it to the show with 3 minutes to spare, and dealing with down town chicago traffic and parking, etc... it was not worth the stress. So the show was good, I left and stayed at my cousins, (if you read my new disc golf blog, a lot of this is a repeat, sorry). I made it to the Davis' farm and we went to a few family-friend events. This morning we went to church and celebrated that Christ is Risen! (He is Risen indeed). I feel like that is something that you must say if you believe in Christ, just like we ask how's it going to someone who we don't really care about the answer from. I just feel like some terms, prayers and scriptures we have become immune to and we just follow the leader and do what we're used to. He is Risen, what does that exactly mean? That a God that we cannot see, that does not only reside in a fleshly body came back to life in earthly form after he was/was not killed? I don't mean for this to come across as blasphemous or in vain, I just mean that we throw these terms around like we have our heads wrapped around them and that we understand so clearly... we don't! Just like the people in the book of Luke had no idea that they were talking to Jesus on the side of the road about how sad and depressed they were about the death of Jesus from Nazareth. We are/would be just as uncertain, I just dislike how comfortable we are with the stories... and I'm sure this follows right across the lines of me constantly questioning God and my faith, but I am getting too old to keep doing this strictly out of tradition or popular vote, I need a reason. Back to my point of keeping this short, as we were sitting in church hearing the pastor translate his version of the scripture in Luke 24 (1-50 I believe?) my beautiful bride who was rubbing my back (because she knows that physical touch is one of my strongest love languages) leaned over to me and said something that excited me and turned me on (not sexually) soo much, she said " If seeing is believing, then believe that we have lost our eyes". This is a lyric to one of my favorite bands, Manchester Orchestra, which Loran has only listened to because I play them or because the CD has been stuck in our Jetta's CD player - either way, props to her. It was so encouraging, and I'm pretty sure I mumbled to her, now that's a real worship song. The scripture that she was relating that lyric to was about the women who went to the empty tomb and couldn't find Jesus' body, so they went back to the men to try to describe what they had seen and they didn't believe (luk 24: 1-8?). It was a perfect harmony of several things that I love, and I had an "I fricken love this girl to death" moment right after she said that to me. Thank you God, for your gifts are abundant. Thank you for being resurrected in a way that forced us as people to have faith and believe in the unseen... God your geniusness and compassion for our souls and minds never tires - thank you, Amen. We finished the afternoon at Loran's grandparents, and then we headed home. Half way home we realized that Loran's purse, wallet and keys were missing, and that Aunt Tanya (my coworker and neighbor) had our only key to our place (our apartment just switched our locks to electronic and we only got two key fabs). So we had to track down our key before we could get home to the kitties. We are home now, and my beautiful wife is shleepin' next to me, and I would like to shpoon her... so, I guess this "short" blog will stop here. Thanks for listening. (I was listening to new ACB on their myspace while I was writing this, but it quit and I forgot to restart them - new song tomorrow/today!)